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Last December, I decided to stop drinking. I relapsed around a month and a half later, but I’m happy to say that I’m now approaching six months of sobriety. There are several reasons I chose this, and one of the biggest is how alcohol affected my relationships with people I care deeply about. Even when I wasn’t drinking, I could still be mentally absent. Sometimes that meant being hungover; other times, it meant being emotionally unavailable and struggling to give someone my attention. Drinking affected the time I spent with people, and its effects carried into the time afterwards too. Caring about someone and being available to them can be different things, which is difficult to acknowledge when those relationships matter to you. I want the people I care about to have more of my attention, without alcohol continuing to take up space between us. That is part of what makes approaching six months meaningful to me. I’m happy about the time I’ve gone without drinking, and I want to keep making room for the relationships that helped me recognise why I needed to stop drinking.
There is a large number of reasons why alcohol was very appealing to me, firstly in general the UK and especially university in the UK has a very large drinking culture and the UK in general from pubs to corner-shops and this drinking culture is one of few social activities which is mostly class insensitive from working class people to rich bankers. Drinking is also a very socially acceptable activity and in many ways choosing to not is viewed as a weird choice (on the case that it isn’t for religious or health reasons) in ways that it is going against social inclusion. On the positive sides of alcohol: it is a relatively cheap social drug choice, it is very socially accepted in most circles, most countries alcohol is legal and the rest are more personal aspects of the effect of alcohol on the individual person. From my personal experience it made me more social, reduced anxiety and let me open up easier. In a social society all of these are very beneficial. There is also a strong childhood influence, being brought up as a christian catholic you partake in activities such as communion where you take a sip of red wine symbolic as the blood of Jesus. Obviously the introduction of alcohol as something good at such a young age (11) has a impactful view on its consumption. Alcohol is also largely a non-political drug choice, wether you belong on the left or right of the political spectrum alcohol is accepted (religious and medical reasons also prove anomalous to this) with the main key people not drinking being people that lie some standard deviation away from being a current centrist in the political spectrum.
Alcohol is often treated as part of becoming an adult. A nightclub where everyone is sober can be compared to a Year 6 disco, even though adults dancing together hardly needs an explanation. Sitting in a park with friends can seem more grown-up once someone brings alcohol. The activity is much the same, but drinking changes how it is understood. There are plenty of exceptions, though these comparisons suggest that alcohol often gives ordinary social activities an adult identity. Dancing and spending an afternoon with friends are things people can enjoy at different ages. It seems odd that continuing to enjoy them as an adult should come with an expectation to drink. Once that expectation becomes familiar, choosing sobriety can feel like stepping away from part of adult social life, despite still wanting the company and the occasion. A sober night out can then be judged against a drinking night, with the absence of alcohol treated as something missing before anyone considers whether people enjoyed themselves. That leaves little room for the possibility that the activity was already enough. Being able to enjoy time with friends without drinking ought to be an ordinary option within adult life. But the reasons that matter most to me are the people I care about and the relationships I want to build with them. I have already spoken about how alcohol made me mentally and emotionally unavailable, even when I wasn’t drinking. That is something I want to change for good. It is difficult to care deeply about someone and acknowledge that you have not always been able to give them the attention they deserve. Having those feelings does not automatically mean the other person can feel them from you. I want to get better at expressing that care through the way I spend my time and how I respond when someone needs me.
I want to be able to sit with someone and properly listen, without a hangover making the conversation feel like something I have to get through. When I ask how they are, I want to have the patience for an answer that might be complicated or difficult to hear. There is so much of another person’s life that you only get to understand by paying attention over time. I do not want to keep missing those opportunities with people who matter to me. I want to know them beyond the occasions when everyone is out together and having a good time, and I want to let them know me that way too.
Building that closeness means being willing to feel uncomfortable sometimes. I want to become more capable of saying what I feel while I am sober, even if the words come out awkwardly. Being honest about needing someone can feel exposing, especially when there is no guarantee they will respond in the way you hope. But I would like my relationships to have room for that honesty. I want affection to be something I can express in an ordinary conversation, without needing a drink to make it easier to say.
I also know that choosing sobriety does not instantly make me a better friend or solve every difficulty in my relationships. I will still misunderstand people. There will be moments when I am distracted or find it hard to explain myself. What I hope sobriety gives me is more room to notice those moments and take responsibility for them. If something is wrong between me and someone I care about, I want to be available for the conversation it requires. Stronger relationships will take effort from me beyond deciding not to drink, and I want to be willing to make that effort.
There is something quite emotional about wanting a future filled with ordinary time together. An afternoon in the park, or a conversation that carries on because neither person feels the need to leave yet. Those are things I want to make more space for. I want spending time with someone to feel worthwhile on its own. The people I love should not have to compete with drinking, or with the exhaustion that follows it, for the part of me that can listen and respond. And I want some of that care to extend to myself. Feeling healthier and more in control has given me reasons to protect the life I am building. I want to be able to trust my own decisions and take my needs seriously, including when they differ from what is expected socially. Staying sober is a decision I am allowed to make because it is good for me. I do not need everyone to share it for it to remain important.
Approaching six months means a lot, particularly knowing that I had to start again. I want to keep going because there is more of my life I want to be available for. There are relationships I want to deepen and people I want to make time for while I have the opportunity. When I tell someone that they matter to me, I want the way I treat them to make that easy to believe. That is the future I am hoping to build through sobriety, and it is one I feel ready to keep working towards.